The 5 Best Things About Having a Haunted Doll

Does anything good ever come from having a haunted doll? People often associate bad things with haunted dolls. Understandably. We pretty much only hear about the spooky things that happen to people who find —or are found by— them. But are they always only scary or evil? Are there any benefits that come from possessing one? (As opposed to finding out that the soul inhabiting it is actually trying to possess you, that is.)

Ever since I adopted Lily, I’ve made a few observations regarding the best things about owning a haunted doll. But I decided to pose the question on Twitter too. A couple of people answered. I’ve included their tweets among the benefits of haunted doll ownership listed below.

Best Thing about Having a Haunted Doll #1: Protection/Deterrent

Forget the “Protected by a Guard Dog” signs. Display “Protected by a Haunted Doll” and I guarantee people will think twice about messing with you. Or just leave some out on display. That’ll do the trick too.

Although, this is sort of a double-edged sword. You may also attract people who want to see the allegedly haunted dolls, so just be aware of that possible consequence.

However, speaking from experience, I know that they really can fend off unwanted attention. Not that I consider any of my skeletons “dolls,” but I have to admit many people view them about the same way. And Smalls sort of looks doll-like.

Traveling with him has sparked quite a few funny moments, but my favorite was on a cruise stop in Jamaica, where he saved me from what I call the “hawkers.” ie. The locals who rush ships when they pull into port ready to sell you something or offer you a tour. I do not like being bombarded like that.

Anyway, I had Smalls tucked into my beach bag, but he didn’t quite fit all the way so his head was poking out. One of the hawkers looked at me, his eyes wide, and said, “She got a spooky man with her.”

He promptly left me alone and the others followed his lead. (Thanks, Smalls!)

Best Thing about Having a Haunted Doll #2: Great Company

never feel alone, specially at night. great conversation starter.

— Coelho (@leo_hsc) July 26, 2022

It will talk back to you?

— Pamela K. Kinney, Author, Actress & Ghost Wrangler (@PamelaKKinney) July 26, 2022

Pamela and Coelho were sort of on the same page, they just phrased it a bit differently. Maybe I just don’t speak haunted doll. Lily doesn’t talk to me, but she does keep Smalls company. (Not that he talks either. At least not to me. Maybe he and Lily use telepathy to plan their shenanigans?) Although she does hang out in the office with me…when Smalls hasn’t dragged her off somewhere else to get into who knows what mischief, that is.

Best Thing about Having a Haunted Doll #3: Conversation Starter

Numbers 2 and 3 are pretty similar because they both involve talking to some degree. However, Coelho’s tweet brought up another perk of having a haunted doll. Haunted dolls really are conversation starters! Whether people are horrified or fascinated when you admit you have one (or more), they almost always want to know why.

And the answers are so varied. Some people want to collect them, some people want to sell them, others want to investigate them, and some just want them for creepy decor. Whatever the reason, one thing’s for sure, it sparks conversation. Coelho hit that nail square on the head!

So did John Oliver. We’ll talk more about him and creepy dolls in #5, but he did a bit on his August 31 Last Week Tonight episode where he joked about taking one with you on a job interview. Which was a hilarious suggestion in its own right, but then he said to mention how you graduated from X college, but your doll graduated Y university. I imagine that might get a conversation started between the potential employer and security!

Best Thing about Having a Haunted Doll #4: Great Scapegoat

Anytime anything goes wrong, from something turning up missing to something breaking down to something stinky invading the air, I have someone to blame it on. Well, in reality, I usually pass the buck to Smalls. He, however, has adopted this trick and now passes it on to Lily.

Best Thing about Having a Haunted Doll #5: Sometimes They Benefit Charities

Not that the creepy dolls washing up on the shores of south Texas beaches were haunted. (Although, surely some had to be?) But, yes, they sure looked like they could harbor restless spirits. And they haunted John Oliver. As he put it, “Honestly, I now see these demons everywhere.”

Over the 4th of July weekend, he posted a web piece about “the demon dolls” and how “each one of them is a legitimate horror show, from Green Pirate Baby to Nightmare Ghoul Baby, to Barnacle Baby I, II, and III.”

His idea for dealing with them? “Burn them! Burn them all!”

“Look, I’m 45 years old. I’ve encountered a wide breadth of emotions, but not until I saw these things did I experience the feeling of being hunted.” John Oliver

But in addition to suggesting a way to destroy them, he also offered to pay $10,000 to the coastal reserve that kept finding the dolls “if they sent them every remaining plastic beast that they had,” as he summed it up in the August 31 Last Week Tonight episode. That’s when he gave an update about the dolls.

Apparently, the Mission-Aransas National Estuarine Research Reserve saw his bit and took him up on it. They sent him a bucket of dolls, and he sent them $10k for their turtle hospital.

Check-In

What are some good things about having a haunted doll that you can think of?