Haunt Jaunts 2022 Horoscopes: How will you give up the ghost?

There’s a really fun story behind this guest post, which comes to us courtesy of Willow Croft. (More about her in the Guest Contributor Info below.) She shared a post from Horror Tree that I loved: “January 2022 Horoscopes: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.” But at first I didn’t realize that she wrote it.

I’ve long had an idea about doing a fun horoscope similar to what she did. About how you’d give up the ghost based on your zodiac sign.

However, I only dabble in astrology and didn’t feel confident in creating horoscopes for every sign.

Well, as I was complimenting her on crafting the fun zombie horoscopes, she offered to create a horoscope for Haunt Jaunts. I mentioned the giving up the ghost idea and said if that inspired her at all, go for it.

Guess what? She did! And it turned out way better than anything I’d have ever come up with!

Haunt Jaunts 2022 Horoscopes: How You’ll Give Up the Ghost Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Disclaimer: Please note that these mock horoscopes are meant for entertainment purposes only. They have no bearing on real life, and are not to be taken seriously, as actual fortune-telling that references the present or the past, and are not actual fortune-telling/future predictions. They are not to be treated as facts or as actual advice or scenarios to act upon. They’re just for spooky fun!

Capricorn (December 22—January 19)

If there’s one sign that will be most prepared for their own demise, it’s the reliable Capricorn. Every last detail is planned, down to their end-of-life care, the selection of their coffin or cremation urn, and the posthumous distribution of their estate. To them, making the preparations to die is just another satisfying item that they can check off their to-do list. And you can bet it will be the most efficient way to transition to what lies beyond. The actual means of this sea goat’s death, on the other hand, might not be so fulfilling. While the Capricorn strives to be perfect even in the matters of diet, health, and wellness, they’re most likely to have their heart give out while attempting to beat the world record for the oldest person to win the Ironman Triathlon!

Living with a Capricorn ghost: Be prepared to wake up and find your entire house organized from top to bottom, and your organizational planner filled out in five-minute task increments for the next two years running. Beware their wrath if you run late, or fail to complete a scheduled task within the allotted time—you may just find your alarm clock set to ring two hours earlier!

Aquarius (January 20—February 18)

Aquarians are the human equivalent of the cat with nine lives, and “where the day takes you” is their one constant adage. One day they are in Los Angeles, attending a film premiere on the arm of an A-lister, and the next they are traversing the Siberan tundra, on foot, with no supplies, only to emerge a month later looking as if they spent the time at a luxurious resort. Unlike a Capricorn, they don’t plan a single thing, ever, and they would die (literally) before having an end-of-life plan. Things just happen, as part of some manifestation of universal energy, just as their death will happen at the time it needs to happen. That is, if Aquarians will ever risk missing out on something in order to “give up the ghost”. Still, their actual demise will be shrouded in mystery, seemingly vanishing into thin air without leaving a trace. As solace, loved ones of the water bearer sign can imagine them wandering through multiple afterlives and dimensions, for an eternity.

Living with an Aquarian ghost: Like this would ever happen. If, for some reason, an Aquarian does decide to hang around a particular residence or person, they won’t be there for very long. In fact, you might not notice that an Aquarian spirit was ever there, except for the fact that you might catch a whiff of incense, or be suddenly blessed with an exceptionally (and equally short-lived) period of good luck. Go out and buy those lottery tickets, right away, if you suspect an Aquarian ghost is nearby! You might just win enough to fund some Aquarian-style adventures of your own. And you can bet that, then, your dearly departed Aquarian will be right by your side!

Pisces (February 19—March 20)

From practically the time they were born, Pisces have ephemeral qualities. Frantic Pisces parents/guardians can turn the whole house upside down looking for their Piscean kid who was “right there a second ago” only to discover the child mysteriously returned to the same spot. Even as an adult, the Pisces never lose their sense of childlike wonder, and spend more time in imagined realms over the “real” one. Pisces’ final passage will happen as they are sleeping—where they will have the chance to dream themselves into an ideal world of their own design.

Living with a Piscean ghost: It’s not much different than sharing a livespace with a Piscean in real life. Piscean ghosts are often full-bodied apparitions that float around in romantic Victorian clothing and are often spotted passing through walls and doors, or hanging outside windows ten stories above the ground. If they pay any attention to you at all, it’s because the Pisces will always be a romantic, and you may come home to flower petals strewn over every available surface, romantic music drifting through the air with no identifiable source, or the TV flipped on to the Hallmark channel. Be cautious, though, about instantly removing the gifts the Pisces leaves for you; they may be delicate and gentle souls, but their emotions can still be pretty powerful even in their spirit form, and they will lash out when their feelings are hurt.

Aries (March 20—April 19)

Aries is the sign that is least likely to “give up the ghost”. They are the fierce fighters of the zodiac, and often find themselves embroiled in conflict—always in the name of justice. Death doesn’t even enter into Aries consciousness. They consider themselves invincible, and will always emerge the victor, whether it’s in a barroom brawl or negotiating a deal in the boardroom of a Fortune 500 company. They plan to live forever, and they often do, hanging on to the last wonderful bit of life, even while in the hospital room and hooked up to a variety of machines. In fact, the only request the Aries has for when they die is to be cryogenically frozen.

Living with an Aries ghost: Aries take advantage of their ghost-like state of being everywhere at once. They become the superheroes of the paranormal world; and their favorite spaces to haunt are dark alleys, lonely bus stations, gas stations on the midnight shift, and anywhere else exciting and dangerous things may be happening. However noble their afterlife quests are, it’s wise not to get on an Aries’ bad side. You can placate your feisty Aries ghost by leaving the TV on the wrestling channel while you’re at work. And no weekly movie night would be complete without the traditional rewatch of Fight Club together!

Taurus (April 20—May 20)

Taurians are akin to Aries in that they will do anything to stave off death. But their plan is to achieve it by ensuring their life is as stable and comfortable as possible, especially within their own home. Places that have historic value are very important to this traditional zodiac sign, and great care is spent in restoring it to how it would have been in the year it was built. In contrast, the Taurus is less concerned about preserving their physical vessel after death (though embalmment in a glass-topped display case is a viable option) then they are the space(s) they moved through while in life. And, the Taurus will always choose to die at home, rather than an in a hospital or hospice facility. Their end-of-life plan could include, at the very least, listing their home on the historic register, transferring it to the care of a trust set up to maintain the house as a historic home museum, or passing it on to a descendent, with strict instructions to not change a single thing about the house as part of their (cash) inheritance.

Living with a Taurus ghost: If you’ve acquired the home of a departed Taurian, forget about exorcising the spirit from your space. Like in the movie Beetlejuice, you’ll just have to find a way to share the space with the ghost-in-residence, even if it means living with all their furniture and other items the Taurus has collected over the years. And don’t even think about razing the house and putting up a new construction in its place—you’ll never have a moment’s peace at the hands (or horns!) of this vengeful bull.

Gemini (May 21—June 20)

The Gemini doesn’t need any end-of-life plan in order to make the thought of death more tolerable. They embrace it! Geminis live by the certainty their spirits are multidimensional, and they know they will be reborn into a new life and a new body. Not only do they remember their former lives in perfect detail, they often have precognitive dreams about what their future life will be. As they are so confident they’ll get a chance to live again, they’ll be the ones to stage a dramatic and memorable death, usually with a trusty sidekick by their side!

Living with a Gemini ghost: Anything is always on the table with the Gemini, even 2.5 seconds after they firmly decided against it. It’s a fair bet that these indecisive souls will have plenty of karma to work through in their future lives. But as they are also extremely charismatic, they’ll be able to attract their favourite people to them in their next life. Which, to a passionate Gemini, is vastly preferable to being trapped a ghost’s limited form. And, just think, extraterrestrial life forms are an even more exciting reincarnation choice! Oh dear, what is a disembodied Gemini soul to do? So many choices in an infinite amount of time and space!

Cancer (June 21—July 22)

A Cancer’s home is their family. They invest everything in their family, and, as such, expect that investment to be returned. It’s up to their family to know exactly what sort of burial they want, what style of headstone will top their grave, and what their preferred graveside ceremony is. And there better be a wake, with all the Cancer’s favourite foods. But even if you are among those closest to this zodiac sign’s heart, you may never be able to pry this information from their claws. A Cancer’s nearest and dearest will be expected to magically intuit what these things are, without doing something as vulgar as actually asking them up front. And don’t count on them leaving behind their secret thoughts in a diary or will. It’s Cancer’s fate, as a result of their potentially impossible expectations, to be disappointed by their loved ones, and they will start wasting away just to show how unappreciated they are.

Living with a Cancerian ghost: Well, here’s hoping you achieved the impossible, and did manage to figure out exactly what sort of funereal party and memorials the Cancer wanted, because being haunted by their ghost could be considered the most unsettling one of them all. Cancerian ghosts are fans of the cold-breath-on-the-back-of-the-neck routine, the shadow-at-the-end-of-the-hall bit when you know you’re home alone, and they love to play hide and seek with items such as your car keys or your wallet. Anything that keeps you in the house with them as long as possible is their goal. Your devoted Cancer will never let you forget about them—for better or for worse!

Leo (July 23—August 22)

Luckily for Leos, this proud lion is so sure that nobody would ever forget about them that they don’t even have specific instructions for their funeral. They know without a doubt they will be missed, and that their goodbye wake will be the party of the century! They will have led a lavish, luxurious life, and you can bet their will has a wonderful parting gift for all of their beloved family and friends. Sadly, as Leos loved the best of everything—food, drink, vacations, entertainment—they have a tendency to overindulge, and said overindulgence will not only impact their health but will most likely be the direct cause of their demise. But, to a Leo, this was a price well paid for the chance to live a completely happy and fulfilled life.

Living with a Leo ghost: As much as the Leo loved their family and friends, they probably won’t choose to stay around them. At least, not all of the time. Again, they are confident they are never far from their loved ones’ thoughts, and, truth be told, they find their new form perfect for jet-setting around the world, soaking up the residual attention in theatres, performing halls, concert venues, and even on the occasional cruise ships. But, in the end, they are just killing time until they can be reunited with their loved ones in spirit, and then the real afterhours (or afterlife, in this case) party can begin!

Virgo (August 23—September 22)

Typically, the practical Virgo is not that fussed about physical death. They probably want to die as they lived—giving back to the world. Expect to have a Virgo request a natural burial, free of embalming chemicals and toxins, and perhaps even planted at the base of a tree, as a way of giving back to the earth. These industrious souls are the antithesis to flashy Leos—they work diligently and efficiently, but, sadly, their exceptional work often goes unnoticed. And their end-of-life transition might be just as unremarkable—keeling over while happily organizing their office files for the twentieth time that week.

Living with a Virgo ghost: Virgos may only stick around the living if they feel they have something left to “fix”—something they can make better for someone else. Generally, though, after a lifetime of hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to others, a Virgo may long for a life that rewards them with the simple pleasures they yearned for while they were alive. Virgos may also want to be surrounded by a deeper, fantastical magic as hinted at by certain portents, inexplicable happenings, and chance meetings over the course of their life. Ultimately, they want the fairy land where all their dreams come true, and where they are surrounded by those they have loved and lost, especially trees, plants, animals, and others that only existed in their dreams. They want a place where their busy soul could rest, and just be.

Libra (September 23—October 22)

Libras may be the sign that are the most afraid of death. Well, not death, actually; what they fear is the idea is being trapped in a cold, dark space for all eternity; completely alone in that void. Their way of planning for death is by ensuring they have at least one very strong, soulmate-type connection to tie them to this world, and into the world(s) to come. Libras’ sensibilities are, perhaps, at the heart of every great classic romance novel—the one whose love is so strong, it transcends all barriers. Libras may not have a specific way they give up the ghost, but it’s almost immaterial, because the Libra knows their love will be what remains. While they do strive for unity and balance in their personal life, heartbreak will be the fate that claims many Libras.

Living with a Libra ghost: If it’s at all possible, Libra will strive to stay close to their loved ones, even as a spirit, and they hang on in the hopes they can all be together again someday. Libra is nothing if not patient in regards to love—even if it takes an eternity of waiting and watching!

Scorpio (October 23—November 21)

Scorpios may be among the “live fast, die young” set. Paradoxically, they are also the ones living a long, charmed life. What a Scorpio wants, a Scorpio gets. They have an innate charm that can lift them above most of life’s petty obstacles and concerns. These scorpions are the gilded ones of the zodiac signs, but they can also consume life’s energy at a more rapid rate. To draw upon a mythological reference, their life cycle(s) probably follow that of a mythological phoenix, and to them, death or any subsequent afterlife is probably the least permanent, and, once a Scorpio, probably always a Scorpio incarnate. Life as any other zodiac sign is probably too tame, as is a quiet, peaceful passing. Scorpios will go out with a bang, for sure! Careful with setting off that elaborate neighbourhood fireworks display you’ve put together, Scorpio!

Living with a Scorpio ghost: Can you say poltergeist? Scorpios are the most active of all the ghosts out there, especially when they have formed a strong attachment to someone or something. They are the ghosts that can move actual physical objects. Most times, they don’t mean harm, but these scorpions still have so much pent-up energy and passion that it manifests itself in tangible ways. Be careful with any open flames, as these provide a charged source of energy for these fiery spirits to draw upon. And electricity, of course. Fortunately, these fiery spirits are typically past conscious thought and are more likely to be transformed into pure, flowing energy. Eventually, though, they’ll tire of being incorporeal and yearn to take up a physical form again, with all its worldly delights!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarians are less interested in the practical, logical side of death-planning, and are more interested in the preparation of their soul for the beyond. They often use a creative variety of methods to help attune them to a spiritual force that is greater than humans. These noble archers might consider the physical body an encumbrance from which to free themselves as much as possible, even while they are inhabitants of said body. Everything they do is to bring themselves closer to the source of all life, and, as improbable as it may seem to the more practical zodiac signs, it may be possible for the Sagittarius to achieve a final ascension simply by the force of their will alone.

Living with a Sagittarian ghost: While the Sagittarian has sincere love for the interpersonal connections they’ve made in this life, they are less concerned about haunting them. They haven’t put in so much spiritual work just to stay on the same plane of existence they knew while they were alive. If they haven’t fully ascended, they may be partial to haunting environments over people they once knew. Sagittarian haints may manifest in forest groves, in marshes or swamps, or by water sources such as rivers, ponds, or even the ocean, and may form bonds with particular trees or animals that inhabit those regions.

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So? What does your horoscope say? How will you give up the ghost based on your zodiac sign? And what’s the advice for living with a ghost of your sign?

Guest Contributor Info

Willow Croft is a freelance writer who currently lives out on the prairie but dreams of a home by a tumultuous ocean. She’s had short stories published in Mad Scientist Journal, Speculative 66, Sirens Call eZine, Rock N’ Roll Horror Zine, and in a number of anthologies. When not writing, she cares for a trio of rescued street cats. Visit her at her blog: https://willowcroft.blog.