The Three Biggest Slasher Movie Remakes Have All Sucked

Excuse me while I take a moment to vent about something for Movie Monday: sucky remakes. In particular, sucky slasher movie remakes. Specifically, Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.

I consider these the Big 3. They spawned sequel after sequel and kept me entertained all through my teen years. I loved these movies and watched them over and over and over again.

WHY I LOVED THE BIG 3

Halloween, the very first one, freaked me out so bad I could not watch it alone at night for years. Not until my 30s!

I had no trouble watching any of the Friday the 13ths alone at night, but Jason often haunted my dreams. (He never chased me, but I’d see him stalking others and was afraid he’d figure out I was there and come after me. Talk about suspenseful nightmares!)

Freddy and all the Nightmare on Elm Streets had to be my favorites, though. His sense of humor and one-liners were awesome. That’s why I went to see sequel after bad sequel. (Actually, the third one was perhaps the least terrible of all the sequels. It was pretty decent really.)

I remember when I won tickets to the 5th one, The Dream Child, via a radio contest. Talk about being over the moon! The movie premise sucked, but I was just so excited I’d won those tickets that who cared if it was good, bad or otherwise?

Remakes are rarely ever as good as the originals. However, when Rob Zombie remade Halloween, then Friday the 13th came out, and, most recently, when A Nightmare on Elm Street was redone, I hoped they’d do ’em up right.

Not so much.

THE TROUBLE WITH THE REMAKES…

Rob Zombies’ Halloween was probably the best of the three. He added a sort of different element by showing a bit more of Michael Myers, in particular more of his early years being locked up before he grew up and finally escaped to wreak his havoc. Yet, even though it was more brutal and violent, the creep out factor just wasn’t there for me.

Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street remakes most certainly did not live up to their originals. Why anyone even bothered making either…I don’t know. Both were totally disappointing. Mostly because they butchered the plots in attempting to spin them into something fresh and new.

The original Friday the 13th had an interesting perspective. It was spooky and mysterious. You weren’t quite sure who might be the killer. Or why. None of that had been revealed yet. The remake didn’t even come close to recreating that atmosphere. Which is sad, because there was a lot of promise for greatness there.

Nightmare on Elm Street disappointed me the most. The trailer looked full of potential. The end product, however…blech!

The point of view was confusing. You think you’ll be following one character as the main, then, nope, it’s going to be this one. Then, nope, it’s really this other one.

Then there was the characters. Where was the dynamics with the alcoholic mom not believing Nancy was having nightmares and denying them? Where was the trip to the sleep center? Where was Johnny Depp –er, I mean the character he played, Glen?

And don’t even get me started on how “convenient” it was for the kids to piece together their relatioship to Freddy. Lame. Lazy. Stupid.

Oh, and he was only a molester? Come on. That’s scary and sick, yes, but the real Fred Kruger was a child murderer. Good grief. That was a fundamental that never should’ve been monkeyed with.

NOTE TO PRODUCERS

Listen up, Hollywood. If you’re going to insist on remaking horror movies that defined their genre, at least make sure they’re not so blatantly lame. And whatever you do, please do NOT start remaking their sequels. Good God, it can’t be that hard to make something original, can it?

Sincerely,

An Avid Slasher Movie Lover